Since it's not going to print...

Here's a column I wrote on the plane ride in to Lima.

It's 9 PM June 20th and I'm 33,000 feet above Mexico. In three hours I'll be on the ground in Lima, Peru, where, as my father has assured me, I'll take approximately fifteen steps before being mugged, and an average of twelve steps between each mugging thereafter. Of course my dad has never been to Lima, but despite that fact, his message is not lost, even among the dozens of horror stories he's told me over the past week. That message is, of course, never pet a flaming dog.

It's not that my dad doesn't mean well. Surely the story he calls "Invasion of the Traveler Snatchers" is intended to inspire me to explore my new surroundings, and integrate myself with Peruvian culture. Undoubtedly "Curse of the 100 Foot Tall Inca Zombie King" serves to peak my interest in investigating the deep cultural history of each locale, especially Maccu Piccu, Peru's ancient Inca city. And no doubt "If You Eat Food, You Will Die Instantly" is his subtle way of coercing me into experiencing South America's unique and varying cuisine.

It wasn't just my dad coaching me on how to survive. World traveler, college professor, published author, and sister Gina also pitched in by introducing me to Universal Awareness (UnAware for short). "What's Universal Awareness?" you are probably asking yourself. Universal Awareness is a Sun-worshiping cult that sacrifices... oops, wrong dictionary... UnAware is a mindset in which, as a traveler, one remains cognizant of one's surroundings. From the smallest blade of grass swaying in the wind to the charging pack of fire-breathing robotic llamas careening down the alley way, when one is UnAware, one never misses a thing.

In all seriousness, this can really come in handy during dangerous situations like UFO invasions. If ever a flying saucer lands on top of your car and squid-like space aliens come pouring out, ray-guns ablaze, keep an eye on the turkey sandwich in your passenger seat, it's probably in cahoots with the martians.

It's 11:30. We've begun our descent into Lima, a city which I am told by Ramon, my seating-row neighbor and a Lima native, is really quite pleasant. On a side note, between watching the in flight movie and writing this column, I've managed to avoid my normal fits of air sickness. That is, until now. Anyway, it's time for me to turn off all my approved electronic devic…